Isn't the brain a wonderful frustrating thing?

Apparently visual hallucinations are so last year, because now, my other senses are getting in on the action. Sure, they can be auditory too, but that has always been for special occasions. I tried to find a blog post about the time I smelled vomit, which was especially awesome...but it seems I never actually posted about that. Well, you get the idea.

So where is this all going?  Last night--and I can't be sure of this yet--I think I experienced dream pain. I was sleeping and turned onto my side when I felt an extreme pain on my lower back. Not muscle-related. It felt like a skin injury, like a bee sting but much worse. I actually woke up and cried out from the pain. I felt the area (which was really sore to the touch) and felt blood.

Rather than immediately jump out of bed and figure out what happened, I lay there for another five or ten minutes. Why? Because oh my gosh there must be a huge wolf spider in the bed and I rolled onto it, thereby temporarily paralyzing it, but if I move, it'll bite me again. And also, I was warm and cozy under the blanket. So I lay there trying to decide what to do. While laying there, the sore spot slowly faded.

Finally, I found the willpower to get out of bed, go to the bathroom, and check the spot. Nothing. No redness. No bump. Not even the indent or ripped-off leg of a smashed wolf spider. Nada.  Blood? There was no blood. Pain? Nope, no pain either.

Awesome. Bravo, brain. Maybe I'll watch Jersey Shore or listen to Ke$sha later, just to piss you off.

Kelli Smash Garden

Last time I talked about our house, it was to complain (let's be honest here). I complained about how we only discovered some major flaws after we bought the house and were moving in. But there's something else that goes on when you buy a house: everything you loved about it comes crashing down. In a good way, I suppose.

After we walked through the house and were waiting to buy it, we bragged a lot and to anyone who would listen.

"It has a drop-down recipe holder in the kitchen!" (We later removed it so we could install a utensil hanging rack and magnetic strip for knives.)

"It has those little pop-out drawers in front of the kitchen sink!" (We are planning to tear at least one out to make a paper towel holder.)

"It has built-in cupboards in the garage!" (Mostly gone.)

"It has a built-in entertainment center in the basement!" (Plans are being made to remove this.)

"It already has a vegetable garden!"  Aaaaaaand that's where this post comes in.

There's just something about the need to claim a house as your own.  While a person may love a feature when the house belongs to someone else, when it becomes your house, that feature may lose its luster.  That's how the garden was. I can't tell you how excited we were about that garden for the first month we lived here. The kids picked strawberries and tomatoes. In the fall, they picked the pumpkins. It was wonderful to have such a low-maintenance, pre-cooked garden.

But then the warm weather rolled around. And it was time to really claim the garden as our own. We decided the garden was too messy. Too cluttered. Too "accidental"-looking. We wanted a very clean, intentional garden. 

So we tore that shit right up.

Here is the post-winter Before picture:

So, well, it was ugly. Now, I'm sure it would have sprouted again with time and looked lovely again. But we had seen the soul of the real garden and it had garbage and weeds and lots of pink paving stones.

...and if you believe that orbs are anything more than dust particles, then our garden also contained ghosts.

Thanks to Madame Pinterest, I got the idea to do raised planter boxes. As is always the case, I come up with the idea and then let Keene figure out how to make it a reality.  And he did!

I make it look so easy: "Oh, la-di-dah! We built a planter box!" But in reality, it was pretty easy.

Which is why we built the second box and are currently working on the third and fourth.

As you can see, the kids are quite a big help. You will never catch me in one of those fits of nostalgia in which I say, "Aww...I wish he/she was a baby again!"  Because I have never in my life seen a baby who can do this:

Or can lay down paver stones:

What's better? This was actually Kayden's idea. Keene and I had planned to just leave it as dirt for the time-being, but Kayden figured out that these pavers were the exact size to fit in there. And then he did all the work of laying them down himself.  And he looked totally cool while doing it.

So, the planter box on the right actually belongs to the children. We let them decide what they wanted to plant in their respective halves.

Our next round involves a skinnier planter box for herbs and then another full-size box for more vegetables.

In the meantime, Keene is growing a hair-garden all over his head because he's a damn hippie.

Revamping Old Products on Etsy

I often come across this piece of advice while reading articles about how to improve one's Etsy shop: if you have a product that does not sell well, trash it. Well, obviously, the articles are more eloquent in saying this. I get to the point: if it's not doing well, trash it. The articles warn that this may be a product line that you like quite a bit, but if it's not working, then it won't work.  Again, they were more eloquent.

I've come to the realization that they were talking about my Newsboy hats. Yes! They were specifically talking to me and specifically about that particular line of hats. Now, I have a love-lust relationship with these hats. Since I first created one, I have adored these hats and own half a dozen of them. Of course people would love them, too!

But, well, the sales told a different story. Newsboy hats did not sell well. Moreover, they didn't even get noticed--always being shoved aside by whimsical animal hats or glamorous flapper hats.

Scrap them altogether? I couldn't. I decide to revamp the image of them instead. What hats were popular in my shop and why? Many of these hats had some kind of flair (brooches, flowers, facial features), while the newsboys only had their hopes and dreams on which to rely. So in the grand tradition of Portlandia (well, almost), I decided to put a flower on it. (I may actually try putting a bird on it next. Post forthcoming.)

Suddenly, this:

Becomes this:

And this:

Another way in which I revamped the hats and their listings is by figuring out why I like them so much.  When I'm sledding, they're warm and they stay tightly on my head. Yet I also wear them in the summer: I pull them back on my head and wear them like slouchy hats. How come I hadn't mentioned this in the description before?

So here is my advice: before trashing a product line altogether, figure out how to revamp it.

• Why do you like this product so much?
• Have you mentioned the reason/s in your listing?
• Is there anything you can change or add to make it trendier?
• Can you put a bird on it?
• Or maybe it's as simple as taking better pictures?

Handmade Banks (or, Why Everyone Needs a Woodworking Grandpa)

Everyone wishes they had a woodworker for a grandpa. Someone to build neat toys for you that you can pass on to your own children some day.

Well, guess what? I do have that grandpa! And this is no "sitting in a rocking chair on the porch, whittling away at a block of wood" grandpa. No, he has huge (and scary) machines, heaping wood piles, and some serious style.

Over the years, he's made a bunny-shaped coat hanger and various animal puzzles for Kayden. He made a book-thong holder for me. And a huge, sturdy rocking horse that I pretended was for Kayden, but it was actually for me too.

He also lets me shoot guns when I visit, but that's another post for another day:

So why am I bragging about my grandpa and waving around all the awesome things he makes for us? Because he is now selling some awesome stuff in the Hermits of Afton Etsy shop. Yes, you too can have a woodworking grandpa!

His first line of products is of the awesomely clever and fun wooden banks. Each one has a theme which is great for either men or women, while the craftsmanship and durability makes it great for kids too.

Get a bank and start saving up for...

...a new music instrument:

...a round of golf:

...escaping Arizona:

...just the hell of it. Because, face it, you are a responsible kid/adult who likes saving money, right?

(The irony of spending money to save money is not lost on me.)

Let me tell you a story about saving money: I don't really do it well. In fact, I forget that I have a savings account. This is normally a good thing, because it means you're not withdrawing from that account. But in my case, it means I'm not depositing anything into it either.

So how do I save money? I don't spend my change. At all. I just keep it in my pocket. Then each night, I drop all of my change into a bank. That's it.  And because I don't really want to pay for a skirt with dimes and nickels, I don't spend that money. As a result, it accumulates.  Last month, I dumped all that change into a coin counter at the bank. Guess how much a month of saving coins produced?

$175.

Seriously. After a month of dropping coins in a bank each night.

Of course, if you have no qualms about buying dinner with those dimes and nickels, there are handy ways of retrieving your money from these banks:

Start reaping the benefits of a woodworking grandpa today!

Bunnybunnybunny!

The first baby bunny of the season fell into my window well today. I knew this day would be special. I just knew it.

When I opened the window to commence Operation Rescue Fluffy Bunnies and Pet Them and Love Them, the bunny ran to the opposite side of the window well. I mean, of course it did. I'm pretty scary in the mornings.

I reached out to catch it and saw this above it:


Do you see that about six inches above the bunny? It's a spider the size of my fist. It was so big and gnarly that I actually worried for the safety of the bunny. I finally got the bunny to see reason and come to me (i.e., by dropping a box in that corner to block the spider), where I reached out and caught it.



Here's a better picture of the bunny, with my boss holding it. He loves baby bunnies as much as I do.



So, that was my morning. You know how I'm really bad about blogging and I say it's because I don't have the time anymore? Well, the truth is, it's because there haven't been any bunnies dropping from the sky all winter. What else is there to even talk about?

Finish Unfinished Projects Week

I'm a hat-maker 90% of the time. Sometimes I'll throw in a custom-ordered book thong or a custom-ordered baby blanket or a custom-ordered scarf. But it's not often I set out to make any of these items for the hell of it. The reason why is that I love hats and wear them all the time.

The real reason, though, is that it takes me about 2-4 hours to make a hat (depending on the complexity). And after I make a hat, I can spend time adding artistic touches to it. I like being able to kick out a "base" quickly, then do the interesting work to make it a special Bitter o'Clock hat.

What I can't do is work on the same stitch over and over again, with no end in sight. And with nobody ordering that product (and therefore, no deadline and no tangible motive for doing it), I lose interest.

With all that being said, I was setting up my designated craft area last week when I came across my Unfinished Projects drawers. A big pile of sad, half-finished (or half-unfinished, depending on your perspective) projects just filling up precious space.

(And sadly, this is not even all of the projects...)

With the weather getting warmer and fewer people thinking wearing a skein of yarn on their heads in 70+ degree weather is a good idea, the business was slowing down. I decided it was time to work through some of those projects.

First up was that pink lacy thing you see up there. It was supposed to be a jacket, I think? Maybe a shirt? I have no idea. What I do know is that I had no intention of seeing it through. And so, in the grand tradition of "Bitter o'Clock turns unfinished shit into neckwarmers," I turned it into a neckwarmer (or rather, a cowl, which is pretty much a baggy neckwarmer):

Crochet Infinity Cowl- Mesh Pattern in Powder Pink

Next up, the blue thing.

Now, I remember where I was going with this. I was going to be a baby blanket for a pregnant coworker. Well, I believe that baby is now five years old and I haven't been at that job for four of those years.

And so, it becomes a neckwarmer:

Crochet Infinity Cowl- Mesh Shell Pattern in Summer Sky Blue

Now, lest you think I'm all about the lazy style of crocheting, here are some projects that were actually begun with the intention of being neck accessories. Granted, I intended them to be scarves, but whatevs...Neckwarmers!

Crochet Scarf Necklace in Celery Green and Cream

Crochet Infinity Cowl- Buttercream Scarf with Stripes of Dark Red and Orange

Crochet Flower Neckwarmer with Gold Button- Scarflette in Purple and Olive Green

By the week's end, I had finished five of the projects. Watch out for more upcoming finished projects (oh, let's just call it like it is, they'll probably be neckwarmers) next week!

Smoke and Mirrors by Bitter Sweet Blog

Remember my post about creating an illusion? Here is another article about creating illusions in photography, found on Bitter Sweet Blog. Her solution to creating steam is hilarious.

Click here to go right to the article.